


last dance

by MrsCalculation



Series: There'll Never Be Enough of Us [2]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Demisexual Character, First Time, Light Angst, M/M, POV Otabek Altin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-31
Updated: 2020-04-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:36:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23383891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrsCalculation/pseuds/MrsCalculation
Summary: Otabek faces having Feelings and sex.
Relationships: Otabek Altin/Original Character(s), Otabek Altin/Yuri Plisetsky
Series: There'll Never Be Enough of Us [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1681930
Comments: 3
Kudos: 28





	1. Kissing Strangers

**Author's Note:**

> Best read after reading at least through chapter 7 of [buzzcut season,](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19387591) but I guess this could be a standalone if you really want it to be?
> 
> Uh, hello. I wasn't sure I was going to write this, but here we are! I don't have much to say about this because I am...not proud. I hate myself. I'm sorry.
> 
> ["Last Dance"](https://open.spotify.com/track/1oXHXIB8rHgwHSsPRNjEzn?si=c1f_JSmvQVOKPyZhagBO3w) by Dua Lipa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mostly just a prologue. Be warned, Otabek explores his sexuality a bit in this chapter. There are mentions of him sleeping with other people, though none of them are characters in canon or even named. Please skip past this chapter if you don't like that.
> 
> ["Kissing Strangers"](https://open.spotify.com/track/1NkwZ9TnIs8js6G0M6M7RU?si=DtY-q0nTR5WuNE9srko3Gg) by DNCE, Nicki Minaj (I know, some of my playlist choices are interesting)

Kissing Yuri was the biggest mistake of Otabek’s life.

He isn’t sure when exactly he woke up knowing that he would never love someone the way he does Yuri, but for at least the past year of his life it’s shaped everything he’s done.

(If he’s being honest with himself, it’s been a lot longer than a year; maybe twelve year old Otabek hadn’t realized he was pining after the incredible boy he didn’t have a dream of keeping up with, but twenty-two year old Otabek is realizing that perspective's a bitch.)

But if Otabek is going to ruin his life this way, he’s going to do it _right_.

When Otabek discovered about a year ago that his feelings for Yuri were so much more than platonic, he had started to question who he was. His sexuality had never been something he’d thought much about before. He’d had a girlfriend here or there when he was younger, but nothing ever stuck for long, and he’d certainly never considered any other options. But suddenly when he saw Yuri, all he wanted to do was _touch_ and _hold_ and _feel_ , and he realized he’d never really thought about that with _anyone_ before, regardless of gender. Of course, his first instinct was to chalk it up to the closeness of their friendship.

His second one was to play a terrible set at a terrible club until of _course_ the openly queer DJ there got some drinks into him and some words out of him.

A few trips to a gay club later, Otabek was pretty sure it was just Yuri for him.

He’d tried it, he really had, with a variety of guys. Most of them had been sweet and respectful and considerate, and the few who hadn’t been were immediately brought to Anar’s attention, then never heard from again. Otabek felt safe with each of them even if he wasn’t comfortable, and that made him all the more certain that the only person he ever wanted touching him was Yuri.

But, knowing he couldn’t have him, Otabek tried to lose himself to the men in his life anyway. Each of them taught him how they liked it, and as ashamed as he is to admit it, Otabek knows he became great at what they wanted him to do.

He doesn’t top. It isn’t that he doesn’t want to, but it also isn’t like he does. He’d never given much thought to it, so he doesn’t really mind either way, but he has started to wonder what about him indicates that he has no interest in it, or maybe what about him only appeals to men who are only interested in it. He’s not attracting exclusively dominant partners, either—in fact, Otabek has more often than not ended up in some sort of dominant role he wasn’t entirely sure he knew how to assume—so he thinks there’s something about him that gives off some sort of signal that he doesn’t recognize yet.

“You can just tell them you want to do something different,” Anar says one day that she’s actually gotten some details out of Otabek. “Anyone who isn’t willing to consider your needs and enjoyment isn’t worth your time.”

“Yeah,” Otabek says noncommittally. He doesn’t know if there’s something he wanted to hear, but that isn’t it, although it isn’t like he’s actually bothered by it. He isn’t particularly concerned about his enjoyment. Not when he only enjoys it if he closes his eyes and pictures Yuri instead.

He gets some of the weird confusion out of his system eventually, just in time for the off season. It’s good, since now he won’t have to spend any of the time that Yuri is in Almaty knowing that he recently slept with a man who he wished was Yuri.

It’s just Yuri for him, Otabek decides. He doesn’t feel this way about anyone else, and he doesn’t even like thinking about anything of the sort with anyone else in mind. There isn’t anyone else whose laugh he’d rather hear, or whose day he wants to know about in full detail as he’s falling asleep, or whose hair he wants to brush. There especially isn’t someone else he would rather hold at night, slightly too warm and sweaty for comfort but too exhausted to care. Otabek had realized that pretty early on in this trial, but it’s perhaps the newest conclusion he’s come to.

It’s just Yuri for Otabek, and he doesn’t want to put a name to that feeling, but he is by no means confused about what it is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm writing Otabek as if he's demisexual but doesn't realize that's a thing, because that's kind of where I was at for several years before I heard of it. You're obviously allowed to have different opinions and headcanons, but please be polite about it if you want to talk about what you think!


	2. Do I Wanna Know?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is...just sex with too much unnecessary description of thoughts I'm sorry
> 
> ["Do I Wanna Know?"](https://open.spotify.com/track/5FVd6KXrgO9B3JPmC8OPst?si=YP4m87YNTCm02nsIKZHD1g) by Arctic Monkeys

“Beka, if you don’t hurry up and fuck me, I will actually die.”

Otabek’s dick twitches in response, a reaction he’s never had before with anyone. When it comes to Yuri, he’s fucked—or in this case, not, and that’s exactly the problem.

Otabek had seen that man—Serik, he knows, but Otabek still only calls him _that man_ in his mind—kiss Yuri just as Otabek was approaching, finally going to dance with Yuri after Anar’s insistence that it would be okay, that he had a shot and just needed to take it, and he had recognized Yuri’s response. Otabek had himself worn that response many times over the past year, and he’d always feared seeing it on Yuri if Otabek ever got up the nerve to take a chance.

Yuri was clearly thinking of someone else.

For the first time, Otabek had legitimate hope about his chances, and he rode that hope until the moment he kissed Yuri and got an enthused response.

He’s realizing now that he never thought he’d make it this far.

Otabek decides to kiss Yuri again because that’s the only thing he knows for sure he wants right now. Yuri’s relaxed form under him, less tense than Otabek has ever felt him before and so obviously open to anything he has to offer, reassures Otabek that this is the right first move.

“I’m trying to take this slow, Yura,” Otabek says even as Yuri pushes up to close the space between them.

“I’m leaving in, like, two days. I don’t have the patience for slow.”

Otabek feels his expression soften as his eyes flick over Yuri’s face, just taking him in for a moment. This is _real_ , and damn if Otabek is going to mess it up. He has the only person he’s ever wanted at his fingertips, and he’s determined to show him that this is more than just a quick fuck or physical attraction for him. Otabek wants to take his time and do this right.

“I do,” he says, and he presses Yuri back to the bed, the hand on Yuri’s hip growing tighter while his other hand moves to caress his face.

Yuri kisses back just as enthusiastically, sighing into Otabek’s mouth at first before opening his mouth slightly more, flicking his tongue out to trace Otabek’s lips and into his mouth. He lets his legs spread, and Otabek slots comfortably against his hips, pleasantly overwhelmed by how eagerly Yuri is letting him see his enthusiasm for what’s happening.

Otabek shifts his hips against Yuri’s, and Yuri makes a beautiful, longing noise in his throat that Otabek wants to trap and keep forever, so he shifts his hips again to see what other beautiful new sounds Yuri is capable of making for him. Yuri pulls away for breath, and Otabek moves down to kiss at his jaw, his throat, his clavicle, biting lightly at the hollows he finds. He marks over each bite with the sweetest kisses he can until Yuri is writhing underneath him, unable to keep still.

“Up,” Yuri tells Otabek, and Otabek makes his way back up to Yuri’s mouth, getting Yuri’s lip between his teeth and pulling slightly, before Yuri pulls away. “No, I mean,” he says, then puts his hand on Otabek’s chest and pushes him just barely away. It makes enough room for Yuri to maneuver his hands to the hem of his shirt and pull it off. Otabek stares at the pale expanse of Yuri’s chest; it’s nothing he hasn’t seen before, but he soaks it in in this new light with not-so-new appreciation. 

“Better?” Yuri asks, and there’s almost a hint of self-consciousness to it.

“Perfect.” Otabek begins again at Yuri’s jaw, running kisses down Yuri’s torso as he lets his hands roam, tracing the muscles and bones he feels under Yuri’s skin. He takes his time, feeling Yuri’s hands grip in his hair as he reaches his navel, kissing just under it to tease above the line of Yuri’s low-fitting jeans.

“Please,” Yuri whines breathlessly. Otabek pins one hand at Yuri’s hip and traces the other lazily over the fabric of Yuri’s jeans, listening joyfully as Yuri whimpers above him at the touch. “Beka, please,” he repeats, and Otabek presses down stronger as he kisses his way back up to Yuri’s mouth.

“Please what?” he asks playfully against Yuri’s mouth. Yuri’s lips follow his and kiss him forcefully, an obvious request for more than he has.

“ _Anything_ ,” Yuri says, and he sounds desperate and absolutely _wrecked_. Otabek would laugh, but he feels very much the same.

“Understood,” Otabek says, then busies himself with kissing Yuri and undoing his pants. Yuri breathes heavier as Otabek shoves his pants halfway down his thighs, lets out an attractive yelp as Otabek touches his bare dick, absolutely moans as Otabek wraps his hand in a solid fist around it. Otabek smiles and begins to work his hand up and down steadily.

Yuri lets his head fall to the pillow beneath him, his mouth open and his eyes screwed tightly shut, gasping along with every small change Otabek makes. Otabek drinks in the sight, then leans in to kiss Yuri at the pulse point just below his ear. Yuri shivers at the touch then presses closer.

“Beka,” Yuri gets out as Otabek moves his way down Yuri’s torso again. “Beka, stop, I’m gonna, you have to stop,” he gets out around his panting.

“Why should I stop?” Otabek asks, though he slows and relaxes his grip as he does. He doesn’t stop mouthing at Yuri’s stomach.

“Because,” Yuri says, and he sounds far more composed than he has all evening, though that isn’t saying much, “I haven’t done anything for you yet. It isn’t fair.”

Otabek stops and looks up at Yuri, who has a light sheen of sweat across his flushed face, framed perfectly by his disheveled hair. It’s beautiful. _He’s_ beautiful.

“You’re doing plenty,” Otabek says, and he really means it. Actually being able to touch Yuri after only imagining it feels indescribably good, and Otabek would be content just to look at Yuri’s swollen red lips and know that he did that.

“Get up here,” Yuri says, and he grabs Otabek by the shoulders and hauls him up so they’re face to face. “Off,” he says, swatting at Otabek’s shirt.

Otabek complies, though he feels slightly self-conscious under Yuri’s gaze. He knows it’s ridiculous, but he still can’t help but feel inadequate in Yuri’s presence. “Any other requests?” he asks after a moment of trying not to shrink as Yuri looks him over.

“Plenty,” Yuri says, but it sounds too put-on, wavers in the middle, and Otabek is relieved to know that Yuri, as confident and determined as he may seem, is just a little bit nervous, too.

“Name one,” Otabek says as he leans into Yuri’s space again, holding Yuri’s eyes and licking his lips. He would love to say that it’s a calculated move to get Yuri to look at his mouth, and he hopes Yuri can’t tell it’s because he’s anxious.

Otabek can tell that underneath his very clear, very honest arousal, Yuri is shy when he says, “you really could just fuck me,” and Otabek clings to that hint of uncertainty when he responds.

“Listen,” Otabek says as gently but firmly as possible. He needs to make sure that Yuri knows he isn’t rejecting _him_ , just _this_ , and just _for now_. “I want to, Yura, but can we please just start small?” He doesn’t say it, but he’s not nearly confident enough that he can do that right for Yuri tonight, and his mind jumps to worst-case scenarios of accidentally hurting him.

Yuri looks at him, genuinely searches his face for the briefest of seconds, then pulls Otabek down the small distance he needs to kiss him more tenderly than he has all night. “Okay,” he whispers as he pulls away. “What do you suggest instead?”

Otabek is really, genuinely fucked when it comes to this man.

Before he can get too lost in how he feels about Yuri, Otabek makes a decision. “Stay,” he says, pinning Yuri’s hip to the bed with one hand and working his dick with the other. “I’ll let you know when you can move.”

“What” is all Yuri has time to get out before Otabek’s mouth is on his dick.

Otabek works his way down Yuri, not quite able to take him all in at once. Yuri gasps above him, then Otabek feels him try to thrust further in. He moves the hand circling the base of Yuri’s dick and uses it to pin Yuri’s other hip down, working back up to the head as he does, flicking his tongue over it. He feels Yuri helplessly try to move again, so he scrapes his teeth ever so lightly over the head of his dick before working his way back down. Above him, Yuri whimpers.

“Holy shit,” Otabek hears, high and breathless, as he works his way up and down Yuri’s dick, tracing his tongue along the underside and hollowing his cheeks as he moves up. “Holy fucking shit.”

Otabek lowers his jaw, feels Yuri on the back of his throat, then lets go of his hips.

Yuri takes full advantage of his freedom, fucking hungrily into Otabek’s mouth. Otabek can feel the strain of it on his jaw, a slight burning pull, but it’s so worth it for the sounds Yuri is making above him. Yuri doesn’t last much longer, and Otabek guides him easily through his orgasm, letting Yuri’s thrusts go shallow and sucking at his head and licking gently until he softens.

Yuri whimpers again as Otabek pulls off him. “Fuck,” he says, and yeah, Otabek can relate.

“Get the fuck up here,” Yuri says a moment later, sounding far too commanding for someone who was just whining desperately at Otabek’s touch. Otabek does as he’s told.

“How was that?” Otabek asks, aiming for cocky but probably landing closer to the _desperate for approval_ range of vocal tenor.

Yuri kisses him desperately.

Otabek pulls back a moment later, realizing how he must taste. “Yura, I’m sure I taste gross, you don’t—”

“Don’t care,” Yuri says, pushing his lips back to Otabek’s. He pulls away just far enough to say, “just wanna kiss you,” and that’s all Otabek needs to stop protesting.

Otabek feels Yuri fumbling with his pants, trying to force them down with no finesse, and he laughs a little and pulls away from Yuri’s mouth again. “It’s okay, you really don’t have to,” he says.

Yuri smacks him lightly on the wrist. “Shut up,” he says, finally getting Otabek’s belt undone. “You just sucked my soul out through my dick, let me do this, I want to.”

His jeans are in a pile on the floor next to him within seconds.

It’s only later, when Yuri is curled around him and half asleep, drawing lazy patterns on his chest, that Otabek realizes that Yuri’s frantic messy handjob is without doubt the most satisfying experience he’s had with someone else.

Otabek takes it as a good sign that Yuri curls into his side needily in the morning, lazily wrapping himself around Otabek and coming up with lame excuses why they should stay in bed all day.

It’s perhaps an even better sign that Yuri lets Otabek drag him grocery shopping and only puts up a minor fight when Otabek insists on paying for it all.

But he can’t help but notice that Yuri doesn’t initiate a single kiss between them that day.

The thing about fucking someone face down into a mattress, Otabek realizes, is that it makes it a lot harder to kiss them.

It seems like Yuri is enjoying himself perfectly well just the way he is, given the moans and the occasional, when partnered with a well-aimed thrust, yell, but part of Otabek is telling him to be greedy for once, that this would be better for himself if he just did one simple thing, and fuck it. He’s already in way too deep. What could this one thing possibly make worse?

He slows, still kissing between Yuri’s shoulderblades, then says, “gonna move you. Is that okay?”

“Yeah,” Yuri says, sounding distant but good. Otabek pulls out slowly, making Yuri whine, but Otabek catches it in a kiss as he turns Yuri over gently.

“You’re good,” Otabek says as he readjusts him, holding him up by the small of his back as he slides pillows there to support him. “You’ve been so good,” he says, brushing hair out of Yuri’s face as he sets him down, and Yuri presses his cheek into Otabek’s touch.

“Please,” he says.

Otabek shivers, comparing this Yuri to the cocky, stubborn Yuri the world knows. He kisses him again, gentle yet claiming, and doesn’t hesitate to give Yuri what he wants.

After, after Otabek has had the most intense orgasm of his life after feeling Yuri’s around him, after they’ve cleaned up, after he’s peppered every inch of Yuri’s face in kisses, Otabek hides his face in his sheet.

“You know,” he says, not looking at Yuri and not sure why he’s saying this, “I’ve never...done that before.”

Yuri is silent for just a moment too long, but his breathing against Otabek’s hair stays steady. He had convinced Otabek to be little spoon, and Otabek is not-so-secretly loving it.

“You could have fooled me,” Yuri says, and Otabek huffs a laugh at that.

It’s going to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a shitty, very short next chapter written that I'm going to do my best to get up within the next 48 hours. It's basically an epilogue, and it is directly from buzzcut season chapter 7, so pretty much just angst. I wanted to have them all up at once and I just couldn't do it, I'm sorry.


	3. I Don't Love You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That definitely took longer than I claimed, and I'm sorry. Life just keeps happening, you know?
> 
> ["I Don't Love You"](https://open.spotify.com/track/56DtlpHeMFHUIRf60GpBqa?si=5cm3XNiGRC2azsc6qMSugw) by Aidan Alexander

It isn’t okay.

Otabek really had meant to talk to Yuri about this. He had meant to let him know that he wants more from this than Yuri can give, and that that’s okay. He’s okay with ending this on whatever terms Yuri wants to end it, or staying friends with benefits, or pretending that this never happened as soon as Yuri leaves Almaty to go back to the way things were. What Yuri chooses doesn’t matter to him, and Otabek swears that he had meant to tell Yuri that. He just never got the chance.

Every time he thought about it, it just wasn’t the right moment. He didn’t want to talk about it before dinner with his parents so it wasn’t hanging over them there, or he didn’t want to talk about it before the last day in case it made the rest of the trip awkward, or he wanted to make sure Yuri was fully sober before starting the conversation—whatever the excuse was, Otabek made it. He had meant to talk to Yuri about this, but that didn’t mean he’d wanted to.

And he’s been so worried about Yuri for the better part of the past year. Yuri had seemed angry off the ice and upset on it, but no, that isn’t how Yuri works, right? Otabek swears Yuri had never been like that before, that he was always angry off the ice but composed, untouchable, ethereal on it. He had brushed the concern away at first, certain that it was the misguided result of Otabek realizing the extent of his feelings, but no, he watched closer, and it was still there in little ways. The way Yuri got silent when he would have before gotten angry, the way froze in crowds instead of thrived in them, the way he sought alcohol instead of sneering at it like he used to. All things that, on their own, Otabek could brush off—people are allowed to change, even if he doesn’t like it—but that together made Otabek concerned.

So Otabek’s been a little on edge while Yuri’s been here, but he doubts anyone would blame him for that. He’s been so cautious not to do anything that could upset Yuri while also dancing around his feelings for him. It’s a delicate balance, but Otabek thinks he’s been doing okay at it, all things considered.

Until it slips out.

He’d meant to have more tact about it, but Yuri is leaving today, and Otabek is stressed over it. Before he pulled himself out of bed to the sounds of Yuri shuffling around his apartment, he had mentally prepared himself to tell Yuri how he actually feels. He’s definitely telling Yuri over breakfast. There’s no way he isn’t. And if it goes poorly, well. There are about to be thousands of kilometers between them and Yuri won’t see him fall apart. And it wouldn’t be so difficult to let that distance naturally pull them apart—Otabek had ignored Yuri’s significance in his life for five and a half years before he finally got the nerve to talk to him. The past three and a half years of friendship may be more significant, but that doesn’t make them more normal. Yuri’s presence in Otabek’s life has never stopped feeling exciting and new, so Otabek has been waiting for something to go wrong this whole time, not believing that he’d actually gotten something he’d reached out to claim. If he’s going to pull a single thread to unravel their whole relationship, it may as well be this one, and it may as well be now. 

He hears himself compare Yuri to how he used to be, and he knows how much Yuri’s going to hate that, but he can’t stop, not when he’s upset with himself for not noticing when or why this change was happening, for not knowing how to ask how he can help, for not telling Yuri he’s also noticed all the wonderful ways he’s grown.

Yuri’s claim that his age means he can do what he wants hits Otabek too close to home, and why hasn’t Otabek ever just told Yuri about all the things he missed, about the ways he suffered thinking that same thing? But Yuri is right: Otabek is no one to him, and deep down, Otabek knows that already, but he wants to fight it, delicate balance be damned.

Otabek doesn’t remember the last time he yelled like this. He doesn’t think it’s ever happened. But hearing Yuri claim that he’s only worth as much as his medals? He has to let Yuri know that that isn’t true.

In hindsight, perhaps yelling _I love you no matter what_ was not the best way to convince him, and Otabek can’t help but feel he’s betrayed himself once he’s said it.

“Yeah, well, tough shit. You’re stuck caring about me alone, because I don’t love you.”

He knew that already, but it’s no less devastating.

_I’m sorry_ , Otabek wants to say. _It’s always been true, so_ _it doesn’t have to change anything_. When Yuri finally reemerges, he’s ready to try it again, but when he sees proud detachment holding Yuri together, Otabek freezes, suddenly twelve again and unable to talk to the boy with far-away eyes.

Yuri announces his departure for the airport, and Otabek bites his lip. “I can go with you,” he settles on, hoping Yuri will hear everything else behind it.

“It’s okay,” Yuri says, and shuts the door behind him.

But it isn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I almost named this chapter ["Think About Things"](https://open.spotify.com/track/5crhbtfcOWIfN5NbkqQRql?si=tr5I5R3nQ-2IUIBAF2RTFw) by Daði Freyr, but I decided that that was too much of a banger for the mood of this chapter.
> 
> (There's definitely a paragraph or two in this chapter I definitely could have looked over more or even deleted before posting to maintain character voice a bit better, so I'm sorry. Please forgive my poor writing judgement, and thanks for getting this far anyway.)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, I hate writing anything to do with sex so this was mostly an exercise in getting out of my comfort zone and I hate it thank you
> 
> Thank you for reading! As always, call me out on any formatting/grammar/continuity errors. Archive and I don't always get along, so formatting may be weird.
> 
> Find me on [Tumblr](https://mrscalculation.tumblr.com) and [Twitter](https://twitter.com/MrsCalculation) @MrsCalculation!


End file.
